25 probably doesn’t seem that old. 25 is definitely still young. But this birthday felt different. A natural maturity took over, interests I once held so close to my heart fell away, my priorities shifted and my value went up. It has been a more reflective birthday than others. It isn’t really seen as a milestone by society but internally 25 makes you level up. I believe it is hard to be any age right now because so many people are waking up and can’t ignore their hearts anymore, so they find themselves battling their programming and ego when life doesn’t pan out the way they thought it would. Then, there is the internet which besides reminding you of how much better Australian 18 year old swimsuit models are living, seems to be able to remind you of everyone you’ve ever known’s life accomplishments and milestones. It takes a lot to look at your life, where you are going and what you have done and to be totally happy with that time line. This year I tried to plan a birthday party but it didn’t really work out in the most perfect way. I needed that time to think and reflect to move forward. It wouldn’t be “cute” to keep living how I had been living, but oh what I life I have lived.
What I kept finding myself thinking around my birthday is how everyone is always telling me, “You are so mature for your age”, “ I think you are so much older”, “I always forget how young you are” and things like that. I do consider myself emotionally mature but that is because I believe in self mastery. Self mastery involves constantly looking at yourself, your actions, your reactions and shedding skin. I feel like I’ve lived so many lives since I was 17. The amount of growing up I have done since turning 18 is nothing short of a miracle.
I know a lot of people say they used to do dumb stuff, but I genuinely have gotten myself in and out of some dumb and sketchy situations… situations where I should have died or gone to the hospital or been raped/murdered. Releasing shame and guilt was one of my longest and hardest lessons. That lesson has taken many forms whether it is the embarrassment of having to tell my friends my parents are divorced, the shame I felt from getting too blacked out in high school, slut shaming, bad grades, guilt from not staying connected to my childhood friends because I was too cool for them, the shame of what was actually going on in my home and guilt for how I added to that with my teenage drama… ALL that shame really shifted how I perceived myself. I was always the golden child with all this potential and I chose to be a bad girl instead. Deep down I knew that wasn’t who I was. That kind of hatred you feel towards yourself for acting in ways that aren’t you will really eat you from the inside out. Once I got to college and made new friends who didn’t know me before and I could see how all this shame had been holding me back from who I was. I wasn’t my situation, I wasn’t who I was when I was 12, 14 or 17. The only person still bringing all those things forward was me. It was a huge mirror. When I look around I see a lot of people still stuck here energetically and maybe its a product of their environment. I suffered from panic attacks all the time but in retrospect it was because I wasn’t respecting my true self and I wasn’t in the right environment for me.
I owe a lot of my outlook on life to travel. I have had unlimited free flights since I was 12 years old. It is natural to try and to escape, whether it is moving or leaving on a trip. I tend to bounce out when I don’t want to accept something. Balancing escapism whether physically or internally is something I am glad I became aware of before 25.
It wasn’t necessarily the travel that was so life changing, but the fact I was alone in stressful airport situations, politely dealing with airline staff, organizing my transportation and trip without an iphone or hand held map before I had a drivers license speaks a lot. When I was 15 and 16 I went to live abroad in 3rd world countries without any communication to the U.S for months. I learned how to be a guest in someone’s home, respect other cultures, learn gratitude, how to speak to strangers, how to handle medical emergencies etc. I think being so young and being SUPPORTED by my parents to travel alone was the greatest gift I have been given. I’ve always felt like the world in my class room. I learn through people, cultures and experiences. But it is always a big insecurity that I am bad at math yet people think I am so smart. It took me 25 years to come to terms with HOW I learn and to value WHAT I have learned. I have knowledge you can only achieve by LIVING and that is what I am most proud of. Travel also taught me how much I love nature and alone time. I would choose to be off the map in an isolated jungle over a museum in Paris anyday.
In my early 20s I attached myself to ego. I had a new realization of what my power was. I felt confident for the first time ever. I was over trying to fit into a school system I hadn’t been good at since 7th grade. I had a desire to make a name for myself without any help. Just me, my skills, my work ethic and my personality. I wanted to move up in the boys club of Los Angeles without sleeping with people. It all worked. It was definitely that “She can, so she did” vibe. I found my voice in LA. I learned to stop being shy. I learned to ask for what I want. I learned how to work and how to be professional. While most 20 year olds were blacking out at frat parties I was working in offices of Sunset Blvd. It was awesome. I had a plan in my head for working in LA but that plan didn’t end in my heart’s dream of a sustainable farm. I also learned in LA if you ignore your divine mission and your heart’s desire that the universe will end it for you. If you chase false ego or material items you will never be satisfied. It gets mundane. Like private jet been there and done that.
I had a good problem in LA. I had too many friends. Then I moved to Nashville and had the opposite problem. I had like 2 friends. It was hard to make friends at work. A lot of people here deceived me and broke my heart but during this time is when I began to trust in the universe more than I ever had before. I began to see rejection as protection. I learned the value of my soul family as my real friends from California continued to be so close to me. I learned that I want friends who are more than party friends. I want friends that are genuine and deep. Friends that have also been through shit and bounced back to be amazing people. I am not chasing a boyfriend or any relationship. People who are supposed to be in my life come into my life and stay. Real friends have real honest discussions about how to improve your relationship and stay for those hard conversations. Real friends don’t support you acting dumb and tell you when you aren’t being your best self. Real friends give those opinions you may not want to hear. To me it doesn’t matter where they are in the world or how often we see each other, real ones are real ones. I am pretty proud of the community I have made globally and now online. I talk to my friends online and out of state more than people in my city. I truly believe I am a light that is supposed to experienced by as many people as possible.
Learning to protect and cleanse my energy has been extremely valuable. I would not be who I am today without journaling, meditating, self care days, nature and cleansing rituals. I think that is why I hold all these things so deeply to my heart and have chosen to share them with others. You don’t want my life, you want my energy. You can achieve your own sense of inner peace through doing these techniques. For a while I was struggling with working so much that I didn’t have time for these things, but once you start you can’t go back. If someone would have told me when I was 15 that my root chakra was out of balance and that doing a 20 second breathing technique would prevent me from popping off in anger I would have been a lot better off. No matter what job I do I will always be a holistic teacher.
This leaves me with what I value. At 25 I value my time, my home, my body, my family, my friends and my relationship with source. I find it easier to focus on all these things living in Tennessee. I am not just trying to do things for the sake of doing them. I want you to meet me, come into my home, feel my life experiences and feel my authenticity. It has taken me awhile to own who I am, which is funny because I hate labels. I am a lightworker, I am a Reiki master, I am a witch, I guess you can call me spiritual or a hippie, I have always had this ability to read tarot cards, I see colors, auras, chakras, lately I have been able to talk to dead people, I can heal with my hands, I am a starseed, I can meditate into other dimensions, I have had past lives in Rome and medieval Europe . I didn’t ask to be these things or go out seeking them. They found me during these 25 years on earth and completely altered my life in ways I can’t ignore. I used to feel like I was tricking people, since I am kind of that stereotypical blonde girl but then love to talk about how I astral projected last night. I felt as if all these things would make people not want to be my friend or date me since I am weird. But what I have learned instead is people are seeking something more, seeking peace and seeking community about metaphysics and spirituality. Not a lot of this made sense to me while I was experiencing it for the first time and that is ok but now it feels good to help others and see them grow.
Might be cheesy but in 25 years I have learned how to be the best version of me and that is all I can really ask for. It has taken me this long to accept what I was born into, what I was divinely given and not to hide my all the parts of myself. I am proud of myself and I feel like it is just the beginning.
Thanks to all that have been on my journey. Love you <33