The White Water Redneck Revenge :: Ocoee River :: McCaysville, Georgia
White water rafting for the 4th of July on the Ocoee River. This trip kind of set off a series of events that like altered my life/vibration in a way. I had been talking to this guy from Chattanooga, TN (if you don't know where Chattanooga is, it is where Maci from MTV's Teen Mom lived and is actually one of my favorite towns in the world) for 6 months...this guy had gotten me a pet goat like it wasn't some casual texting one sided thing where I making it into something it wasn't. Anyways... I asked his best friend what they were doing for the 4th of July and his best friend said he was coming to Nashville. I was like "Awesome !! I think I'm going to Chattanooga to go white water rafting but don't know if thats for sure". Long story short that convo turned into this like revelation of lies this guy had been keeping from me which included coming to Nashville for 4th of July weekend with his best friend and NOT telling me about it, even though he had called me twice that day and had been texting me 24/7 about things totally unrelated. Ya'll! There were some snakes in my grass for dam sure. Like his bitch ass was gonna come to my city and keep texting me like he wasn't here. Some mother fucking nerve. (pretty sure even Obama would be like youz a fuckboy). I had only lived in Nashville for 16 days at that point, so people being shady that early on really threw me for a loop.
Thank god for my friend Lauren. Lauren and I met at my previous job, working at a travel agency in LA. She texted me while I was driving across the country to Nashville, like seriously middle of no where Nebraska, and I get this heaven sent text saying she was transferring to the new Nashville office. I officially had my LA adventure buddy. She was the only person I knew for like 3,000 miles. And when a guy plays you, you need your girls. When your going to you ex dudes city for a trip that turns into a revenge trip, you need your ride or die. Lauren was that for me. Seriously if it wasn't for Lauren, I would have been alone on the 4th of July smoking the remnants of my Cali weed contemplating text messages to a fuckboy while lying to myself about how I'm better than that in my head for hours...actually lets be honest DAYS.
This trip was mainly inspired by Lauren's lovely husband. Lauren's husband Jay, was coming to visit her and he had never been to Nashville. We needed to make sure he liked it so he would want to move too. Naturally rafting was our way of swindling him into moving. I basically was Lauren and Jay's adopted child for the weekend. Now he is moving, so I guess it worked!
I don't know if most girls are like this but when a guy tries to act cute like southern bitch boy did, I come back 10 times harder to rot your soul from the inside out. Its instinctual. Maybe I should go to therapy and work on it, but til then fuck that. So now I was definitely going to Chattanooga. Now I was definitely about to go to all the bars he hangs out at and had taken me too (seriously theres like not that many bars in Chattaooga, so I actually didn't really have a choice) and I took hott ass slutty pics ALL OVER THAT MOTHER FUCKING TOWN. Posted them to snapchat. Him and all his friends saw. SURPRISE BITCH BOY. I OWN YOUR CITY. AND I LOOK FLAWLESS DOING IT.
***also should note that he never came to Nashville because I told him he should be scared to. So he didn't =]
We booked a hotel room at the Chattanoogah Choo Choo Hotel for like ridiculously cheap being a last minute holiday weekend. The Choo Choo is famous, there is signs all over the freeways in Chattanooga for it. It is like THE nicer hotel in Chattanooga...which if you've lived my life and worked in celebrity travel, you would strongly debate these rankings and town celebratory signs. Upon arriving at the Choo Choo your like "wow this place is so old and charming". That charm slowly looses its bedazzle as you get molested by a ghost all night. Seriously, the room was like 40 degrees, we were all shivering down to our bones. I was convulsing wrapping myself in pillows under my blankets. Let me remind you this is July in Tennessee, its like 100 degrees with 100% humidity outside.
I just thought the air conditioner was being a little extra that night But when I woke up, Lauren was disturbed. She asked me if I had a weird sleep, and I was like "by sleep you mean seizing from frost bite then yes".
Lauren and her husband had both seen a ghost. It was standing over us, watching us and smoking a cigarette. It was rubbing Lauren's feet and felt her up all the way up her body. It said "oh shit, she has a husband". The ghost kept turning on music from the radio. There was loud commotion outside our hotel room and Lauren went to try to get up, when she did the ghost held her down and she couldn't move her upper body. Lauren and her husband were also freezing. The ghost was spooning me and had knocked over some stuff off the side of my bed doing so. Honestly if spooning a ghost is my karma for destroying a man's self esteem I'm totally content with that.
We had to be up at the crack of dawn to go up into the backwoods where the river was. As dawn crept up the old train yard hotel didn't seem so cute and quaint anymore. It was actually just a transitional dimension for horny train hobo ghosts from the 1940s.
After leaving Chattanooga we drove up to McCaysville, Georgia. This is the town where majority of the white water rafting companies are based out of. It is the smallest town you will ever go to. We got breakfast at a diner for like $2. It is the ONLY town in America with a pharmacy/drug store. Their slogan is you can get your prozac and your pistol all in the same spot! If you are into any confederate flag souvenirs, clothes or lifestyle memorabilia McCaysville is your one stop shop. There is cute touristy stuff to do as well, as shown below. And a creepy ass scare crow.
Rafting the Ochee River is probably one of the funnest things I've done. The Ochee was the last real river to be used in the Olympics. Now they build a river. So this river is like a challenge...even for olympians. A lot of boats flipped. There is this one part of the river where tons of people hang out and park their cars just to sit and watch boats flip and people fall out. I'm sure it is hilarious when you aren't facing the rapids. Lauren went head over heals backwards and got stuck like half in the boat half out of the boat with her head under water while no one could pull her back in. I'm laughing as I write this, it was seriously so funny. I've never laughed harder, specifically in the face of death.
The tour company we chose was epic. Southern river boat guides are a unique brand of humans, like backwoods hippie river people. They all keep track of who flips boats, who looses a paddle, who tosses someone, and at the end of the day each point equals how many beers each person buys for the group. They all get shit faced at the end of the day. They invited us to party with them but unfortunately we had to get back to Nashville.
Our tour guide confirmed the ghosts at the hotel. He was down for our sexual jokes. He tried to pick me up and flip me over the boat but ended up having me tackle on top of him. All in good fun.
I can't wait to go rafting again. So far it is my favorite Tennessee outdoor activity. I just laughed and screamed my way down this river for hours. It was awesome.
As for southern fuckboy, he's still missing me.
So let this be a lesson that if a guy is mean to you, grab your best friend, go do some badass shit. Look hott doing it and make sure he knows your having a fun time without him.
Namaste children -_-